I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
