I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
