already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
