Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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