Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
