It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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