Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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