FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
