so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
this is an emotional support booty call
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
