Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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