At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
