Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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