Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
