You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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