i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
