can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
