My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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