I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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