I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
