it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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