I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
