Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
