the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
