The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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