broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
