I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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