Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
