Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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