I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
