I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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