I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
