Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
