Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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