I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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