Dude my mom stole all your condoms
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
