They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
