You were right. It hurts to walk today.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
