I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
