What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
