i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Apparently you make a good broom.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
