Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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