i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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