No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
