we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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