I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
