this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
