You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
