Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I need to stop coming to work sober
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
