I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
