During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
