I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
